🔗 Share this article Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more. Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear demanding, frequently causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling a bit lost. Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, you will know. The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.