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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and work life. It annoys my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Presenting and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve read that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or being seen, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.