Those Words from A Dad Which Saved Me when I became a New Parent

"I think I was merely trying to survive for a year."

Former Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the demands of being a father.

But the reality rapidly became "completely different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications around the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her main carer as well as taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every nappy change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following 11 months he reached burnout. It was a talk with his father, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The direct statement "You are not in a good spot. You must get some help. What can I do to assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His experience is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although people is now better used to discussing the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, less is said about the challenges dads go through.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a broader failure to communicate between men, who often internalise harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright time and again."

"It is not a sign of failure to ask for help. I failed to do that quick enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're struggling.

They can think they are "not justified to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the chance to take a respite - going on a short trip abroad, outside of the home environment, to see things clearly.

He came to see he had to make a change to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That insight has reshaped how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of feelings and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

As a child Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings caused him to make "terrible choices" when he was younger to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You turn to substances that are harmful," he notes. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - when you are swamped, speak to a friend, your spouse or a counsellor how you're feeling. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. This might be playing sport, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the body - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - listening to their stories, the difficult parts, along with the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Know that requesting help does not mean you've failed - taking care of your own well-being is the optimal method you can support your family.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead provide the safety and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they confronted their struggles, altered how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… sitting with things and dealing with things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I think my job is to teach and advise you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering just as much as you are on this path."